I haven't written on here for a while. I kinda didn't feel I had much to say, or maybe I kind of did, but didn't know how to say it. But anyway here I am, still unsure what to say but hoping something coherent will present itself.
So here we are, already into the 2nd month of 2012. I remember the feeling on New Year's Eve, at a really beautiful party, surrounded by friends and family, counting down to the New Year. I didn't feel particularly excited, I actually wanted to cling on the last few seconds of 2011, because at least it was known. I really don't like change. I really don't like the feeling that comes with the unknown. I'm not a 'jump in and see what happens' kind of girl, and yet life is constantly filled with change, with the passing of time, one minute after the other, and there's nothing I can do to stop that. So perhaps I'd better learn to love change, embrace it and get all snuggly with it, because it isn't going anywhere.
If I'm honest, change always opens up an opportunity to learn something, sometimes brutally, especially where there has been pain, ill health, or perhaps the loss of a loved one.
Coming to terms with the ill health that comes sometimes with having failing kidneys, has taught me to take each day at a time. To be kinder to myself and realise that the reason I feel grumpy or overwhelmed some days is because I'm actually not feeling very well. I don't always have to suck it up and get on with things. There is value in simply waiting for it to pass, and to allow myself to rest, or just be. I am learning to let go of the self imposed expectation to be perfect, to have everything sorted, because it simply isn't possible. It makes the good days, of which there are many, all the sweeter.
My daughter broke her leg really badly last week and it really was quite stressful. Thank God she is on the mend now after needing to have surgery. Even though I really wouldn't have chosen for that to happen, because it caused her a great deal of pain, I am actually grateful now for the time I am spending with her without the busy routine of school, after school clubs, dance classes and various other things. I realised lying in the guestbed next to her on the children's ward, unable to sleep and filled with anxiety, that even though she is almost 11 now and growing into a beautiful young lady, it seems lots of things have changed, but not much has changed at all. She is still my precious baby.
Of course change comes in good, sweet tasting forms. The joy of a new birth, a new job, a holiday, a retreat (I'm planning on going on one soon), a newly acquired hobby.
There are small, simple changes like changing the cushions on the sofa, or having a clearout, or redecorating the children's room, that bring refreshment and joy.
So here's to change! -the good, the bad and the ugly!. Even though I'm a month and a bit too late, I think I'm ready now for 2012!.
