Surrendering

I've been wondering recently why some days feel more fragile than others, why on some days I'm perfectly fine whilst on others my heart goes into panic mode at the slightest noise, like an easily scared bird. 

A couple of days ago I was sitting in a cafe after taking ages to leave the flat because I couldn't decide what to wear, I ended up opting for jeans that were too tight, so tight that I couldn't breathe properly and the chair I was sitting on in the cafe was shiny and I began to have an irrational fear that I was going to slip off the chair in my too tight jeans and make a commotion. A plate had already inexplicably fallen off a shelf and smashed which had left me feeling a bit jittery, and also the sound of the coffee machine was making me feel a bit stressed. I mean it's ridiculous right? But I chose then not to criticize myself for being weird, I chose to simply surrender and laugh inwardly at my foolishness.

I am realising that it's okay to be more fragile and sensitive on some days, that it's ok to feel, to really feel. Feeling is better than being numb, I'd rather be completely awake, than sleep through the days of my life.

The thing is, the more open I become, and the more I open up my heart, the more fragile I feel. It feels like my nerve endings are exposed to the elements and it feels overwhelming at times. But I choose to surrender. I choose to surrender to the process of vulnerability, of my heart cracking open, because surrender means relaxing into who I am, without judgement or fear.

Art Journal entry.

The world needs sensitive souls, but the world doesn't always allow souls to be sensitive. 

We're all supposed to be coping and getting on with things, with a smile and a hurray...but I can't play that game for too long. My face starts to hurt and my voice starts to crack under the pressure of singing a tune that isn't mine to sing.

I recently joined an online course called "Sunday mornings" by Mindy Lacefield, which takes you through the process of combining art and prayer. (You can find out more by clicking this link)

Here are my prayer portraits from week one. I've been surprised by the faces and characters I've painted, the suggested colours for this exercise make the faces seem more vulnerable somehow, and my prayers all seem to tie in with the theme of surrendering, and wanting to be found, just as I am.

My Journal cover.

To end, and to lighten the mood a tad, I shall share a couple of pictures from a book I've been working on for a wonderful little boy, about a very happy Hippo...

Mr Hippo and his lady friends!

Mr Hippo makes me very happy! Oh and my new orange shoes! I almost forgot to mention them. They're really rather bright and they don't go with any of my clothes, but I love them.

Much love.

xxx