I had a few things to overcome.. Firstly, I am terrified of driving on the motorway. I don't cope well with driving at speed and I start to panic that I'm going to crash and die, but on this trip it was necessary and easier to drive. Secondly, it was about a week before our family trip to the States and there was still a lot to organise, but I knew that I needed to get away. I guess sometimes you just 'know', and your soul says 'enough, time for time out'.
So off I went, waved off by hubby and the kids, feeling guilty and terrified, clutching the steering wheel tightly and gritting my teeth. After about an hour of shallow breathing on the motorway, I started to relax. I realised that the fact I was actually driving on my own was a good metaphor in itself. I was actually taking hold of the reins of my life and taking responsibility for my emotional and spiritual health.
And so it began..
I arrived at Glenfall House in Cheltenham, worrying about how I was going to communicate and find my way round, especially as no one was allowed to speak! But I needn't have worried..I was met by the Chaplain, who was also going to be my retreat guide for the duration, and she showed me round, explaining everything in hushed tones.
What struck me straight away was how quiet everything was. Even the sound of the kettle boiling in my room seemed deafening. The few people around seemed to walk everywhere really slowly and I felt instantly like I had permission and space to breathe. There's something really precious about everyone allowing each other the space to just be, to not have to make conversation or be polite. I spent four days and shared all my meals with, a small group of people who I never knew what their names were, or spoke to, but I felt like we had bonded because we all had the same thing in common. We had all chosen to take time out from our lives, to spend time alone, in silence. (I must say though that sitting at a table with a group of people and not talking at all was one of the strangest things I have ever done. There was nothing but the sound of chomping and trying not to make too much eye contact. I frequently had to suppress the urge to giggle which I tend to do when I'm nervous, and I also became disproportionately worried about burping out loud.)
It took me a while to get used to the silence, and I realised that even when I'm alone, I'm seldom still. The voice in my head is constantly jabbering away, and I'm constantly trying to validate every minute by keeping busy. Eventually I started to slow down. I had been instructed by my retreat guide to go on nature walks (according to the teachings of St Ignatius, upon which this silent retreat was based). The gardens and grounds of Glenfall House were stunning, and I started to really enjoy walking slowly around, enjoying the views, and being with myself in an altogether lovelier and more accepting way.
No sooner had I settled into the new rhythm of things, it was time to go home. Back I got into the car, initially driving like a maniac, because after being still for so long, I found it difficult to coordinate myself. On my return, I've realised that everyday life is extremely noisy. We are bombarded with so much stuff, all the time. It's essential to have a break from it all from time to time, to reconnect with ourselves and to have some rest. I'll certainly be visiting again, and I really think I'll try to make the silent retreat experience a part of each year. I found it very liberating and although very hard to do at times, really really worthwhile.
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